The Exalted Chronicles
by Ember Nickel
Summary: William Harston: 'Chess is not something that drives people mad chess is something that keeps mad people sane.' The voyage of Rruyshah, Exalted One of the Kelbrid, from the Kelbrid Tourism Wing to a Skrit Na spaceship, and beyond.
1. Kelbrid Tourism Wing

Rruyshah wasn't having a great day, and it only got worse when she saw the bill. "What is the Tourism Wing spending all this money on?" she asked.

"Food, Exalted One," some low-rank informed her.

"I'd better tell them to cut down on that, shouldn't I."

"Yes."

"Incorrect reference! Precede or follow any communication to me with "Exalted One"!"

"I'm sorry, Exalted One."

"Better." Rruyshah instructed the building's internal computer to relax gravity by a power of 42, thus allowing her to access the tourism wing. "Let's see what's behind door number one…oh goody, the Yeerk Liason Office. What have you been up to?"

"Liasoning with Yeerks, Exalted One."

Rruyshah slammed the door shut. Nothing of interest. Onto the next room. "Who do we have here?"

"Committee in charge of marketing to semiomnipotent beings, Exalted One."

"And how has it been going?"

"Very well, Exalted One. Would you like to hear our new slogan?"

"No." Next room. "Who are you?"

"We are the attractors of humans, Exalted One, and we are annoyed."

Another member of this group said to the first, "She asked _who_ we are, not _how_ we are."

"Yet it's true. We are annoyed."

"Why? Been eating too much?" Rruyshah asked.

"Nope. The CICOMTOSB stole a phrase that _we_ researched on Earth."

"Dare I ask?"

""One is the loneliest number", which they follow with "so come to our sector and hang out with The One"."

"And so you have just been moping around? Pigging out, perhaps?"

"Oh no, we have our own slogan for the humans, Exalted One." And one of them produced a rough draft of a poster. _Need to end a series? Toss a manuscript over our way and we'll finish the job!_ In small print it read: _Quality neither guaranteed, nor likely._

Well, at least they'd been keeping busy. Rruyshah moved on.

"Hello Exalted One. Come to check on us?"

"It depends. Who exactly is "us"?"

"Andalite tourism hub. Check out our new ad campaign." Before Rruyshah could refuse, a hologram popped up. "Sick of the two-hour time limit? We'll give you a mouth you can keep in your own body! Kelbrid space…it's a happenin' place."

"Indeed."

There was only one room left, and Rruyshah knew it was the Hork-Bajir Ad Team. "How goes your work?"

"We've been done for months. All we need is a sign that says "Come here, it's pretty"."

"So now what are you doing?"

"We've decided to take on the task of distributing information to the Taxxon homeworld. But first, we needed to get in touch with our inner Taxxon…"


	2. Galard

Rruyshah smiled in satisfaction as she stared at what was formerly a Kelbrid government building. Then she heard a voice.

"Very impressive. Unfortunately, you no longer have any explosives."

She whirled around. That was definitely not a Kelbrid. "Who are you and why can I understand you?"

"My name is Na. I'm a Na. And I can understand you because the Creator of the Universe resorted to the use of a "standard language"."

"Hey, it could have been worse. She could have come up with, like, a translator chip or something. That would have been even more gimmicky."

"Well, I'm glad you look for the bright side in everything, because-"

"I usually don't."

"Oh. That's too bad. Because I'm taking you."

"Taking me where?"

"To an auction on my homeworld."

"What if I don't particularly want to go to an auction on your homeworld?"

"It doesn't matter. Like I said, you no longer have any explosives. Or, I'm assuming, any other weapon." It prodded her inside a ship, then down to a dank corner filled with strange objects. "Too bad."

It left. Rruyshah was utterly deserted…until she heard a voice inside her head.

>His name is Na and he's a Na? Did he bother to kiss you goodbye?>


	3. The Language Barrier

"What are you?" Rruyshah asked. It was significantly smaller than her.

>Did you just say something?>

"Yes, of course I just said something!"

>Do. You. Speak…of course you don't. Can _you_ understand _me_?>

"Yes, can't you understand me?"

>Oh, forget it.> It pushed a button on a white object almost as big as it was. Thin white lines connected it to what appeared to be its head, and another thin white line protruded from its other end. Like the object, it was almost entirely white.

Enraged, Rruyshah pounded on the door of the cargo bay she was enclosed in. No being deserved a 1-way communication line with an Exalted of the Kelbrid!

She pounded and pounded and pounded and pounded until Na got sufficiently annoyed to respond. "What do you want?"

"Can this…being…understand you?" Rruyshah indicated the white creature.

"Of course I can," it smirked.

Rruyshah had dealt with Skrit Na before. To the creature she said, "He can't understand you, can he?"

It didn't give any indication of hearing, so she yelled. "CAN HE UNDERSTAND YOU?...wait…you can't understand me…"

But it didn't show that it even knew she had spoken. Na, however, had an idea as to what was going on. He delicately grasped the white lines connecting the creature to the object and jerked them.

>Hey. Okay. That was uncalled for. Kidnapping me, fine, but you do not mess with the iPod.>

Rruyshah and Na looked at each other helplessly. "IPod?"


	4. A is for Andulit

The being indicated the object Na had touched. >Put that down. Now.>

"Don't," Rruyshah said. "He can't make you." Not only had she been _kidnapped_ by the Skrit Na, she was now _defending_ one? What had gone wrong, and was it too late to go back?

>It's, like, the forty-second amendment. You have the right to your tunes. Even though these aren't mine. They belong to some random loser who's down a couple hundred mp3s.>

Na ignored it and spoke to Rruyshah. "I visited this being's planet once, as a Skrit. It is very different from the other residents of the planet we met."

"You've been there. Ah. Now I understand. I think if I was a Na, going to this thing's homeworld would make me sane too."

"Actually, that was most likely due to my upbringing in a Taxxon colony. I'm actually relatively decent compared to my comrades."

"Skrit Na decency is by definition relative."

"I care about beings besides myself!" Na ranted indignantly.

"They don't count if they're the ones paying you."

Na looked mildly dejected that Rruyshah had seen through him, but quickly perked up. "Who are you to decide who counts?"

"I am an Exalted of the Kelbrid and do not deserve to be unable to communicate with this semi-sentient who thinks it can communicate with me!"

Na walked out. Rruyshah was speechless and indignant, until he returned, holding a stack of things in his hands. "Here. This is data from its home planet. We'll absorb it together, no? That would be smart. Then you can communicate with him."

Slowly and painstakingly, Rruyshah learned the language. But the thing was almost as tormenting as the Na! >To make sure you learned it, how about…a final exam? That sounds good. You have to write an alphabet poem, y'know, like A is for Animorph and stuff. Make it rhyme, too.>

"You can't do this!"

"Oh yes he can," smirked Na. "I don't want him unhappy when he arrives for display. Sulkers aren't as lucrative. Get writing."

Rruyshah was ready to explode, but she began the poem anyhow.

_A is for andulit  
__Thay ar blu  
__I am not  
__And nethur ar yu._


	5. Rruyshah's Submission

Rruyshah was bent over her work when Na entered the cargo bay. "Hello," he said to the other captive being. "How's work on your answer key coming along?"

>My what?>

Na feigned shock. "Your answer key! To make sure Rruyshah's poem is correct?"

Truth fell on the being harshly. >You mean…I have to write a poem too?>

"But of course!"

>But->

"Now, now, Rruyshah _specifically_ requested this to make sure she did appropriately. We don't want to see her unhappy, do we? Of course we don't." Na winked at Rruyshah, but she didn't notice as she was so engrossed in her writing. "Get to it if you want sustenance!" He exited.

Some time later (was it days? Weeks? She couldn't tell,) Rruyshah turned in a messy, but completed, poem.

_B is for box  
__Lik that un over thar.  
__I wunder wut  
__Is insid thar?_

_C is for Cryak.  
__He is big and red.  
__Kelbrid hu hav seen him  
__Wish thay wur ded._

_D is for dimwit  
__Yu ar it!_

_E is for ellimist  
__Playing with tim and spac.  
__Unlik Cryak  
__He has no i or fac._

_F is for futur  
__If i hav on.  
__I mit not get out of her  
__Befor my lif is dun._

_G is for a gam  
__Lik the ellimist plays  
__I dont understand his gam  
__I don't understand his ways_ WY CANT U CUM AND GET ME AUT OF HEER!

_H is for happy  
__Wich I am not  
__You wudnt be ethur  
__If yu had my lot._

_I is for I  
__I am stuck  
__In this ship  
__And aut of luck._

_J is for jerk  
__Lik the Na who maks me wurk._

_K is for Ketran  
__Thay dont interfer  
__Utherwiz I  
__Wud be out of heer._

_L is for liasuning  
__With yurks.  
__The uns hu do it  
__Ar jurks._

_M is__ for Mercora __  
__Thay had branes, and thay thinkked. __  
__This cud be the resun __  
__Y thay ar extinkked._

_N is for Nesk  
__There extinkked tu.  
__I am not  
__And nethur ar yu. _And if yu get mad at me for using the same rime I'll…i'll…ok i dont no. But so wut.

_O is for opening  
__That box  
__Over thar.  
__Dus it hav lox?_

_P is for paun  
__In this stupid gam.  
__I am not a paun!  
__I hav a name! _Ruysha, xalted of the kelbrid and dont u forget it!

_Q is for__ qwestun  
__Lik Y am i her?  
__Will i get out  
__Befor the end of the yer?_

_R is for rachel,  
__In his sleep the wit  
__Thing that im stuck with  
__Swears at hur evry nit._

_S is for Skrit Na.  
__Thay ar bad  
__Even wurs than my old coworkers  
__(And thay wur reli bad.)_

_T is for Taxxon  
__Thay lik to eet  
__Thay dont car if  
__Its sinthetic or meet._

_U is for u  
__I hate yu._

_V is for voice  
__The thing nearbi me  
__Dosent hav un  
__I can heer or c. _It's not an Andulit, or it wud no Galard.

_W is for wutever is  
__In that box with the skwar  
__Patturn on it.  
__Wut _is _in thar?_

_X is for exalted  
__We dont desurv  
__To be lokked up in her  
__It is getting on my nurv._

_Y is for yurks  
__Thay  
__Ar  
__Gray._

_Z is for zero-spac  
__It is wit.  
__Nethur ar we_-Rruyshah looked over at the being.  
_Wate…that is not rit…_


	6. The Answer Key

A is for Animorphs.  
What more need be said?  
They made me like this.  
I'd prefer to be dead.

B is for being  
A rat.  
It sucks,  
And that is that.

C is for Cassie.  
She thinks she's all that.  
But I have a suspicion  
She's the one that trapped me as a rat.

D is for Drode.  
He looks like a prune.  
Crayak likes him,  
But I think he's a goon.

E is for Earth.  
It's in the middle of a war.  
I used to live there  
But not anymore.

F is for figures.  
This does.  
I'm beginning to remember  
How good of a life being a rat ON EARTH was.

G is for good luck  
Which I had  
Until a slug  
Crawled into my dad.

H is for Hork-Bajir  
They are dumb.  
Nobody  
Cares how come.

I is for iPod.  
Through the pain  
Of my kidnapping  
It keeps me sane.

J is for Jake.  
He thinks he's good at leading.  
I wonder if he's good  
At for-his-life pleading.

K is for Kelbrid.  
From what I have seen  
They are stupid losers  
Not to mention mean.

L is for my life  
I used to have one.  
But now I don't  
(That is fun).

M is for Marco  
He probably could  
Make my situation  
Look funny, if not good.

N is for Na.  
He's a Na.

O is for ow  
Which I'm going to say  
If I'm poked with needles  
Just one more day.

P is for point.  
This trip has none.  
Neither Rruyshah or me  
Find it fun.

Q is for quit  
Which I'd like to do  
With this poem  
But I can't, and it's all because of you.

R is for ransom.  
Maybe someone will  
Get me out of here  
With a million-dollar bill.

S is for spaceship  
Like the one I'm in.  
Whoever designed it  
Committed a sin.

T is for Tobias  
Part human, part bird.  
As opposed to Rachel.  
Part human, part turd.

U is for universe.  
Most of the species  
In it are worse  
Than feces.

V is for Visser Three  
A slug whose host  
Is the species  
He fears the most.

W is for why  
Na likes to poke  
Me with sharp things  
Like a practical joke.

X is for Xemily-  
Esgaruth-Something.  
He makes every smart person  
Look like a dumb thing.

Y is for yes  
Which is what I would say  
If someone asked  
"Do you want to get out of here today?"

Z is for zzzzzzz.  
I want to snooze.  
Being stuck here  
Is a lose-lose.

Na entered the cargo bay. "Your answers were totally incorrect, and I'm demoting you to worse lodgings."

"You mean they were totally correct, and we're being promoted to better lodgings?" Rruyshah asked.

"No, for the sake of your friend here, I told the truth.A rarity for my species, but-"

"Friend? Excuse me!" But Rruyshah was already being shoved into a deeper and danker room. She groped desperately, but was only able to grab one thing...


	7. Opening the Box

>My iPod!> The being's anguished cry almost affected Rruyshah. The object formerly attached to its head was up in the main bay. 

"What about this?" Rruyshah indicated the box she had grapsed. (No, she was NOT pitying it! She was only trying to shut it up!)

>That? I don't know. What is it?>

Rruyshah opened it. Objects of various colors and shapes came out. The box itself unfolded to form a flat surface somewhat larger than the being. "Is this familiar to you?"

>Yeah...it's a game that we play on Earth. Well, not we. I don't play it. It's for geeks.>

"Geeks?"

>Never mind.>

"Well, what is it? If we're going to be stuck here with only this for entertainment I want to learn how to play."

>Errgh...you've got a point. Okay. This thing is a castle, and it moves, like, up and down.>

Rruyshah picked up the object he indicated and lifted it into the air, then dropped it.

>Not quite. Um, I don't really know how though. My dad taught me when I was younger, but...I forgot.>

"Really."

>Yeah!> it said defensively.

"Mm. Okay. And what about these?" Rruyshah indicated the tallest objects. One was black, one white.

>Those. Um, they go one square at a time.>

"Square? These objects are placed on this surface?"

>Yeah. So the kings go-> The being clambered onto the board and shifted the pieces around. It was exceptionally emphasizing that it was not very knowledgeable of this game, and that it didn't play regularly. Rruyshah was not convinced.

"So these move in a rectangle?" Rruyshah indicated a piece he referred to as "horse".

>Yup. Two by three squares>, it said, more authoritatively than Rruyshah would have expected. Er, no, maybe it's three by four? Or three by two?

"You said three by two the first time."

>No I didn't, I said one by-no, two by three.>

"Two by three is the same as three by two."

>It is?>

"Yes, it is."

>I don't believe you. You're just a dumb alien.>

"Dumb? Excuse me? I am an-"

>Exalted of the Kelbrid and don't I forget it, yeah, yeah. How about it. We play a game of this-chess. Whoever wins is right.>

"Accepted."


	8. Chapter 8

**The title of this chapter is:** **Rruyshah Proves the Commutative Property of Multiplication.**

>Can I go first?>

"Would that be sporting? You, after all, have played this game before. I have not."

>Sporting? Great, another species with an honor obsession.>

"Assuming the Na do not qualify, should I interpret this to mean you have met other species?"

>Andalites.>

"I don't believe you."

>How else would I know what they were called?>

"Forget it. Let's just play. You can go first." The being shifted one of its smallest pieces towards the center of the board. Rruyshah did the same. It made a move with a "horse". Rruyshah moved another small piece. Neither of them had a strong sense of tactics or direction, but moved with the goal of capturing pieces of the opposition. This culminated in a slaughter on the square known as d5, where 12 pieces were exchanged. Rruyshah sighed after the bloodbath. "I enjoy this game somewhat. There is a certain thrill in merciless annihilation."

It abruptly changed the subject. >How did you survive the explosion?>

Rruyshah was nonplussed. "What explosion?"

>The huge explosion that happened just before you came on the ship.>

"Oh, that explosion. Actually…I was responsible for that explosion."

>Okay. I'm officially scared now.>

"You pathetic…sub-low-rank! How can you make anything official?"

>Just shut up for once, okay?> Rruyshah didn't respond-verbally. She captured a "castle" in rage, leaving her "queen" unguarded. However, her opponent was too incensed, or unintelligent (or both), to take it, and took her "castle" instead. Rruyshah quickly realized her error and protected the queen. In a few moves she had pushed its king to the edge of the board. >Great. You've got me taken next turn.> It pushed over the king with its paws.

"Hey, aren't you going to let me take it?"

>Nope. As soon as I can see I'm doomed, I'm stopping. You win.>

"Of course. Now I have a question for you. Does your incompetent species know what two times three is?"

>Six.>

"And what's three times two?"

>Uh…six?>

"Right. So I'm correct."

>Oh, that thing! Yeah. I was more interested in…>

"Playing the game?"

>No!> it said, a little too quickly. >In humiliating you.>

"Right."


	9. David Castles

"Do you want to play again?"

>No.>

"I want to play again."

>I don't care. Shut up.>

"I don't think I will."

It didn't thoughtspeak back.

"My name is Rruyshah, I am an Exalted of the Kelbrid and victor at chess."

>Shut up!>

"Nah. I was assaulted by a Na and cruelly forced to be in proximity to a-"

>Shut UP!>

"Why certainly," Rruyshah simpered. "I'd rather play chess."

It had been backed into a logical black hole. >Okay. But I move first.> It did. Rruyshah was developing a bit of a strategy, which she employed. She would have had him beat, too, if he didn't insist on making up the rules! She had him where she wanted him, her "horses" "and bishops" closing in for the kill. And then he cheated.

>I'll…move my king…there.>

"That's two squares. You're only allowed to go one."

>Please? Just this once?>

"Just this once forever, or just this once in the game?"

>Just this once in the game.>

"No."

>Aw c'mon! I'll let you do it! As long as you…uh…haven't moved your castle.>

Rruyshah had moved both of hers. "What do they have to do with anything?"

>Uh…I'll move…this one…next to the king. Right here.> He nosed the pieces around. >Your move.>

Rruyshah gritted all but twelve of her external teeth. "You win in three."

>I do? How?>

"If you can't see, I'm not going to tell you."

It took him eighteen sloppy moves to beat her. >And our current score is Tortured _Nothlit_ 1, Stuck-Up Kelbrid 1.>

"Actually, it's Exalted One One, Imbecile One…half."

>That was a fair win!>

"Not with your castle-and-king trick it's not!"

>You can do it too.>

"You mean there'll be a next time?"

>I mean-oh…>

"I move first."


	10. Rruyshah Captures En Passant

Rruyshah Captures _En Passant_

Rruyshah moved first. And third. And fifth. And seventh. And ninth. And eventually, forty-first. She was very proud of that move. Her opponent would not be able to move his pawn one square forward without her being able to capture it.

But he did, anyway. And then he moved it another square forward. Rruyshah had forgotten one of the advantages of the proletarian pawns: they were allowed to move two spaces forward on their first move. But after all that time setting up her trap…it was an injustice. So she moved her pawn where his would have been, if it hadn't been for his trickery, and removed his from the board.

>What was that?>

"A capture."

With his tail, he swiped at the board, knocking over three pieces which Rruyshah replaced. >My pawn was here. Your pawn was there. You can't capture that way.>

"Sure I can. If you can do your castleandking trick."

>But…my…pawn…was…_there.>_

"It _would_ have been there."

>I sneaked by!> it indignantly retorted.

"Oh, sure, you sneaked by. Just passing me up."

>It was in passing, on its way to a…>

"Noble coronation and glorious fate?"

>Yeah. That.>

"Bureaucracy, bureaucracy."

>Do I want to know what that means?>

"How should I know the preference of a pathetic-"

>I take that back. I want to know what that means.>

"Which means I'm not going to tell you."

>Which means I move my pawn, which you _did not capture_, another square forward.>

"On my homeworld, I had a position that required me to know a considerable amount of irrelevant jargon. Pawn is captured. Your move."


	11. David Resigns

>My move. So it is.>

"Well? Are you going to move?"

>Maybe. Maybe not.>

"Maybe not? What are you going to do if you don't move?"

>Argue with you.>

"Why would you do that? Don't you care about the game?"

>Actually, I don't.>

"Then why are you playing?"

>Right now I'm not playing.>

"Move, or else I'll assume you want to lose."

>Okay then.>

Rruyshah waited for some time, then declared, "The score is Exalted Two, Sub-Imbecile One. Play again?"

>Sure. You win. And you win the next hundred games, too.>

"Exalted One Hundred Three, Surprisingly Un-Sore Loser Still One."

>Maybe you Kelbrids aren't that bright. But let me spell it out for you. I don't want to play chess.>

"What _do_ you want to do?"

>Well, for starters, be human. For second…>

"Within the context of my capabilities, what do you want to do?"

>Stop using such big words.>

"You're not using very big words."

>I'm giving you a command.>

"YOU? GIVING ME? A COMMAND!" Rruyshah lunged at this being. If it would play no more chess, she didn't see any reason for it to continue existing.

>Don't touch me if you value your life.>

"In fact, I do. Why shouldn't I touch you?"

>Na has been doing "experiments" on me. He says that if I come in contact with another organism the results could be unpredictable.>

Rruyshah rolled her eye. "He's a Na. That means if you come in contact with another organism the results will be very predictable indeed."

>He sounded truthful to me.>

"Well, _of course _he'd sound truthful to a mindless, inferior,"

>Mindless?>

"Yes."

>I've got a mind, and it's just as good as yours.>

"So…_why_ are you down one hundred three to one? And even the one is dubious."

Rage flared in its eyes. >Because we've got a long way to go. Queen's pawn up two.>


	12. Rruyshah Promotes

Up it went. Two squares. Rruyshah didn't object. She didn't make up her own rules as she went along. Unlike _some_ people.

Pawns dominated the early and middle game; each competitor lost one "horse" and one "bishop". Rruyshah, however, also lost her queen. This angered her considerably.

But she liked fiddling with pawns. The only ones she had access to were her opponent's captured ones, however, so she decided to do something to remedy that fact. With three of her own, she launched a suicidal attack on his outer flank.

>What are you doing that for?>

"You'll see," she smiled, as one of hers was removed from the board. She placed him in "check". His only legal move was, curiously enough, capturing a second of her pawns, which he did.

>No…I think you're just moronic.>

"You think?"

>Are you agreeing with me?>

"I'm stunned at the fact something like you _could_ think anything."

As her opponent decided that yes, that was to be taken as an insult, Rruyshah smugly moved her pawn to the final row of squares. >What did you do that for? It can't go anywhere now.>

"Precisely. That's why I'll have to get rid of it." She snatched the pawn off the board. "Put my queen there."

>Your queen? But I took that!>

"And I got it back."

>How?>

"By moving my pawn to your row. It's fair-I lost two of mine."

>Yeah, but that doesn't mean you get your queen back.>

"If you can do your castl'n'king trick…"

>You're not allowed to use that excuse on everything.>

"Well, I'll save it for next game because I just won this one. The queen checks the king here." Rruyshah indicated the board.

>You're already a hundred games up. You don't need excuses.>

"I do if we're playing to a thousand."

>A->

"Also known as ten to the third."

>Noo…not math…>

"Chess then."

And chess it was.


	13. Some Updates From the Scoreboards

_>_Tortured_ nothlit_ seven, Kelbrid loser one hundred eleven.> 

"Loser? Whaddaya mean, loser? I'm _winning._"

>Yeah. Well. I just _won_.>

"You and your CASTL'ING!"  
--------  
"Exalted One won. One hundred fifteen to eight."

>Your voice is horrendous enough when you utter a syllable once. Don't make it three times in a row.>

"Would you prefer four for fortitude?"

>Stop it! Just...stop it!>

"You have been beaten ten-"

>No I haven't, I've been beaten one hundred fifteen times. Except for those which involved your cheating. Which would make it about...>

"Cheating?"

>You know you do it.>

"You do too, to-"

>No more. Pawn to e4.>

"E4? Where? Is that a square?"

>Just a system I came up with.> Rruyshah's opponent explained it. For a pathetic loser, it was a fairly creative concept.  
--------  
>Me thirty-two, you one hundred sixty two.>

"Thirty-one."

>I would have won if you hadn't toppled the board.>

"I wasn't toppling the board!"

>You reached out, and the board toppled. I think that qualifies.>

"I was…offering you a draw," Rruyshah blurted.

>By reaching out? How does that work?>

"It's…a…Kelbrid tradition."

>Tradition? You guys have, like, families and stuff?>

"How do you think we reproduce?"

>I'm just shocked that any of you can tolerate the other's presence. Your move.> Once they were into the game, her opponent realized something and commented, >You were lame enough to offer a draw when I was about to beat you?>

Oh well. She had gotten away with it for seven moves at least.  
--------  
"So is that my two-hundredth?"

>You count your own score, I'll count mine.>

"Oho, and how many do _you_ have?"

>Eh…uh…three…hundred, and sixty-one.>

"Three hundred and sixty-one? You have eighty-nine, thank you!"

>You're not welcome, and how do you know?>

"I've been keeping track of your score," she pronounced loftily, "to prevent against such…mishaps…as this!"

>So you don't trust me. Fair enough, I can live with that. And that wasn't your two-hundredth either, it was your one-eighty-fourth.>

"Says you."

>I'm not _saying_ it, I have to use thoughtspeak because I'm trapped in this pathetic body…>

"Shut up."

>Make me.>

Rruyshah reached out to physically assail it, but changed her mind when she remembered Na's second-hand ultimatum.

>…far from home and all my friends, stuck with you and a tail, can't talk, can't->

"What will it take for you to shut up?"

>If you believe my score was three-sixty-one…>

"I'm not that shallow."

>No, you're just chicken-you won't play me with a-uh, can't subtract-like, a hundred games advantage.>

"I am not a bird from your homeworld!"

>No, of course you're not. What does that have to do with anything?>

"You called me one."

>Did not.>

"See what I mean?" Rruyshah raged to no one in particular. "It doesn't remember what it said just then! How can I trust it to keep score?"

>We'll split the difference. Eighty-nine to one-eighty-four, my move.>


	14. Some Fewer Updates From the Scoreboards

>My hundredth!>

"Your hundredth what?" Rruyshah said in exasperation as she set up the board again, knowing perfectly well what it was.

>Win. Duh.> Her opponent attempted to make a motion with itslimb that resulted in it crashing onto the floor.

"What was that?"

>I was pumping my fist. Except…I don't have a fist.>

Rruyshah felt relieved these terms were not in the text she had learned the language from. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know what it meant.  
--------  
"Two-fifty-six to one-eighty-two."

>So what?>

"Just proclaiming my superiority."

>You're not superior than I am…that does mean more super, right? Not like, posterior?>

"What is a posterior?"

>Um…you're…never mind. You're still not better than me.>

"I am an-"

>Exalted of the Kelbrid and don't I forget it? I never would have guessed.>

"The numbers are there. Two-fifty-six is greater than one-eighty-two."

>A hundred of those were forfeits. I'm gaining. And you just mess up. You do the "castling", too, so you can't say I'm cheating.>

"And you do the "passing". And the "queening"."

>So, we're even.>

"No, we're not! You have significantly fewer wins than I do."

>Only because I gave them to you.>

"You can have them back."

>What?>

"I'll deny credit for a hundred wins. One-eighty-two to one-fifty-six…I'm losing!"

>Only if you take them back, which you're too Exalted to do.>

"Am not. There you go. You're ahead by…uh…"

>Um…thirty? Four?>

"No…how about…twenty-eight." She paused. "No, I have this. I do! Really!"

>So it's…>

"You're too unintelligent to figure it out?"

>Of course not.>

"So, what is it?"

>Uh…twenty…six?>

"Sounds good."

>No it doesn't.>

"Does so! I certainly have a more refined aesthetic sense than you do."

>It doesn't _sound_ like anything. I'm no longer capable of speaking.>

"I'm not going to feel sorry for you." Rruyshah moved her first piece.  
--------  
>Two hundred to one-eighty.>

"I know."

>Only three more hundred to go.>

"Eight."

>I thought we were playing best out of a thousand? So I need five hundred before you do?>

"First _to_ a thousand."

>Why so many?>

"I like this game."

>Really, I couldn't tell.>

"Why did you think I gave you a hundred games back?"

>To pretend to prove you weren't all stuck-up.>

"How could I be stuck up? There's no reversed gravity in here."

>You're changing the subject. So hold on. You only gave me a hundred games so you'd have a hundred more to play?>

"Yes."

>Are they all nerds on planet Kelbrid?>

"We've long moved off our home planet into the entire system."

>Did that have anything to do with what we were doing?>

"No."

>Well, as long as we're clear.> He advanced a pawn.


	15. Some More Updates From the Scoreboards

"Now are you the type that makes big deals over every hundredth victory? Because this is my two hundredth."

>How do you expect me to answer your question if you make a statement after it?>

It was shrewd, she'd have to be more wary than she had been. But she could divert his questions as easily as he could divert hers. "That seemed to be a rather intelligent observation."

>Didn't think I had it in me?>

"You seem to scorn intelligence."

>>How do I do that?

"You are vehement about not referring to yourself as a "geek", which I have interpreted to mean an intelligent person."

>Uh…uh…how'd you get that impression?>

She was getting to him. "By the fact that you said only geeks play this game, which requires a modicum of intelligence."

>A what?>

"Intelligence."

>Evidently not, seeing as _you_ play it.>

"And have already won two hundred games."

>To my two-sixteen.>

"A trivialty."  
--------  
>Three hundred to two eighty-eight.>

"What is it about these multiples of one hundred that your species obsesses over?"

>Well, actually, my species is normally too stupid to count. I came from a better species.>

"Better than the Kelbrid?" Rruyshah raged.

>Oh! No…um, better than this species I'm _stuck in._ No, they're certainly not better than you…um…awesome…>

"Did you just call us awesome?"

>Um, did I?>

"I think you did. Are you trying to flatter me?"

>Um, no. No, I'm, ah…not. Yeah…not. Er…>

"I was starting to believe you had some shred of intelligence?"

>You were?> He was so impressionable it was pathetic. Then again, she was behaving like Na. (When the only other sentience on the spaceship was this dismal, it certainly wasn't her fault for imitating him!)

"No. I wasn't."  
--------  
"In the very likely case you lacked the sufficient mentality to realize, that was my three-hundredth victory. What is it with you and hundreds, anyhow?"

>They're like, round numbers.>

"No they're not. Numbers are shapeless."

>You know what I mean…no you don't.>

"Why such a useless, arbitrary number? Hun-dred. It even _sounds_ weird."

>How do you say it in your language?>

"Correctly."

>"Correctly" is a word in your language?...Oh.>

"Your move, imbecile."  
--------  
>Four hundred. Represent.>

"What should I represent?"

It ignored Rruyshah's lack of slang knowledge. >Are you asking me to boss you around?>

"No! No…No."  
--------  
"Ah yes, my five hundred and twelfth victory. A superior number to five hundred, at any rate." Rruyshah maneuvered a pawn into place.

>How the heck is that a win for you?>

"Where can you move without going into "check"?"

It examined the board. >Uh…nowhere…>

"So I win. Five-twelve."

>No, no, I do! Five hundred!>

"You win…because…you can't…go…anywhere?"

>Mhmm. Right.>

"Uh…no."

>How do you know? You're not from Earth.>

"Well then this game is stupid."

>So can we quit?>

"No…I suppose I meant that _your interpretation of the game_ is stupid."

>Just like me, blah blah blah…>

"You catch on fast if nothing more."

>Is that a compliment?>

"Eh…nah. It's not." Rruyshah came out lackluster trying to sound more convinced than she felt.  
--------  
>Are you going to say anything?>

"Besides…what's the word you used?"

>Checkmate?>

"Yeah, that's it. I wasn't, why?"

>Because that's your six-hundredth win.>

"Six-hundred-fourth."

>You're not counting _that _game. Or any of _those_…are you?>

"How do you expect me to know what you are referring to by "_that_ game"?"

>You're the brilliant Exalted One.>

Rruyshah was flattered for a moment, but then realized, "That was your species' sarcasm? I mean-" before he got a chance to respond, "the species that you used to be before you wound up trapped as this?"

>Yeah…you _are_ good. At, um, chess. And stuff.>  
--------  
"Six-hundredth win? Pitiful."

>You only have six-o-nine.>

"Six-thirteen!"

>Ah yes, I'd forgotten that I'm dealing with an alien too stupid to count.>

"You-" Rruyshah reached for the area of it likely to cause the most pain if removed, but checked herself. "You're very lucky Na did that thing on you. I'm not stupid enough to do something with "unpredictable effects"…or did he? Maybe you're just bluffing to save your life…nah. You're not that smart."


	16. Chapter 16

**This Chapter is called: An Odd Number of More Updates from the Scoreboards.**

_Author's Note: I personally do know the difference between "good" and "well"._

>You know, if you didn't make such a big deal over multiples of a hundred I might have shut up by now. Seven hundred.>

"So you're only doing this to antagonize me?"

>What else should I do?>

"Leave me alone! I-"

>am an Exalted of the Kelbrid. I'm not going to forget it the way you go on, so don't even bother reminding me.>

"But if you don't forget it, why don't you show me some respect?"

>Because.>

"Because why?"

>Rruyshah, do the world a favor and SHUT UP!>

"We're no longer on your homeworld."

>Uni-> It used a word Rruyshah had not come across in the publications she had read before. >verse.>

Rruyshah said nothing, but reset the board and advanced her second pawn from the right.

>Don't you need to come up with some brilliant comeback?>

"How should I? I don't know that word."

>What word?>

"That word you just used." Rruyshah repeated it.

>Oh, God…Crayak…whatever…Say that again and I will physically hurt you.>

"What about your unpredictable effects?"

>Rruyshah. Shut. Up.>

"You're only providing me with more incentive to do the talking."

>'ll let my pieces talk for me.>It brought out one of his central pawns. Rruyshah brought out a pawn adjacent to the one she had already moved, but her opponent did not immediately reply. It walked around the cramped room, thinking. Abruptly it shot out his queen along the diagonal. >Seven hundred _one_.>  
--------  
"And there's my seven-hundredth victory."

>I know. Did _you_ know I had seven-ten?>

"Yes, I did."

Both astonished at the other's mental capabilities, they played on.  
--------  
>Eight hundred.>

"Eight. Now _there's_ a good number." Rruyshah attempted to flex all eight of her limbs, which resulted on her falling on the floor. She struggled to her feet. "Why doesn't Na disable the artificial gravity?"

>Because then…um…I don't know.>

"Your scientists must be very behind." She narrowed her eye. "Of course, that would cause our chess pieces to go everywhere."

>How tragic.>

"You'd win. You have, as you so proudly proclaim, eight hundred, and I have only seven-seventy-seven. An interesting-sounding number if nothing else."

>It isn't. How did you fall so far behind, anyway? You were doing pretty good.>

"I was experimenting with some new tactics I'm going to start using."

>Oh, I'm terrified.>

"Good. You should be."  
--------  
"Eight hundred." Rruyshah decided to exercise her limbs one at a time that time.

>Congratulations,> her opponent droned. >Of course, it's nothing next to eight-thirteen.>

"I'm gaining," she reminded him. "My strategy is working."

>And I'm still just as terrified as I was.>

"You still _say_ you are just as terrified as you _said_ you were."

>There's a difference?>

"There would be if you were…a Na. You weren't, were you?"

>A Na? No.>

"If you were a Na, that would mean you were lying, so you would be a Na. But if you weren't a Na, that would mean you were telling the truth, so you wouldn't be a Na."

>Yeah, I'm gonna not pretend I heard that.>

"That wasn't comprehensible."

>Neither was what you said.>

"It is to someone-some_thing_-intelligent."

>No wonder it's so weird if the person who came up with it doesn't know what it means.>

"You know, I think now that we're on the subject of Na, Na has edged you out for the title of Least Intelligent Being on this Craft."

>I didn't know I was still in contention.>

Rruyshah started a new game to avoid replying  
--------  
>What about nine-hundred? Is it a "good" number"?>

"Since it's the number of wins you have…no, of course not."

>Some judge you are.>

"Judge? I-"

>I _know_ what you are.>  
--------  
"Maybe I _won't_ comment on this victory. Just to spite you."

>You…just did.>  
--------  
>Nine-ninety-nine. This is it. One more game and I'm done with chess forever.>

"And then what? The food supply is decreasing."

>Do you think I care? Do you think I like being alive?>

"Most beings that care do-if they didn't, the universe would soon be very devoid, very fast."

>Is that a bad thing?> It waited for her to answer, but she had been silenced. >Come on. One more game. One more game and it's over.>


	17. Checkmate by Lack Thereof

"Can I go first?"

>Sure.>

Rruyshah got the opinion her opponent did not care at all about the outcome of the game. She decided to try a tactic she'd only done a few dozen times, moving a pawn on the far reaches of the board outwards. It replied by moving the pawn on the other side. She maneuvered her pieces, and it played a mirror-image game that ended up in the state they had reached around _her_ five-twelfth win, with him unable to do anything, but not in mortal danger. "I win."

>No you don't.>

"We're not going to have this argument again."

>So I win!>

"No, you don't. We play again."

>We what?>

"To settle it."

>This was supposed to be the end.>

"Well, it's your fault for not losing."

>Uh…how does that work?>

"Just move. I'll let you go first."

It shifted its physical position. >Okay, I moved.>

Rruyshah grabbed a "horse". "I want to throw this at you."

>Don't you mean "I don't want to throw this at you"?>

"I think I will."

>Do it, then.>

"I changed my mind." Rruyshah plunked it down on the edge of the board.

And the battle ensued. Her opponent played for an end to his torment, she for the pride of victory. How long had it been since she had been an Exalted One? Worth something? Free on her homeworld? Did she even want to count? This was where she could be worth something, if only to this sub…

Fine. She'd admit if that was what was wanted to be heard. It was nice to have around, _only_ because he had been easy to beat. Had been. Which aggravated her all the more when they round up exchanging their entire armies. (She had proved several hundred games ago that with only two pieces left, victory for either side was impossible.)

>Do we play again then?>

"Uh…yes!" Rruyshah wasn't about to refuse that offer.

They did. And tied, this time proving another end condition could never lead to victory. By the time they were six games into the tiebreak round, they had outlawed more finishes than they would have considered.

Rruyshah didn't count how many games they'd played (although she suspected it was forty-eight) before her opponent thoughtspoke, >I think I've figured it out.>

"How to win every possible game? I've been working on that, but not very successfully."

>No, why we keep tying. We'd been going back and forth for a while, but I think now we're exactly even. We can't win against each other because we're both…>

"Equals?" Rruyshah had never to her recollection said a word with such disgust.

>Yeah.> It extended a tiny limb. >This is how we draw on my planet, too.>

Before Rruyshah could retract it leapt at her. Its desperation was so complete, it didn't care which of them survived the "unpredictable effects". One of her scales fell off before both of them were blasted to opposite corners. What seemed to be a wall of electromagnetism split the room between them for an instant. Then it was gone. Rruyshah didn't even bother to try and hide her trepidation as she turned from the place she had landed…

and saw herself, all scales intact.


	18. It's Something Unpredictable

"What? What is…_that_? Who are…you?"

It did not respond.

"You're…_me_."

"What? I-I'm _speaking_. With a _mouth_. I'm…WHAT THE-"

"You look exactly like me."

"I look-I can see you. With an-just one eye? And I can see in all-" It rotated on its limbs, surveying the small room. "I'm a Kelbrid!"

"So you are."

"Should I be disturbed by this?"

"Yes…so should I, for that matter…but I'm not."

"Well, unpredictable is right." It raised a limb. "I can…this is just a miracle!"

Rruyshah analyzed the door. Impulsively she grabbed the board and slammed it against the wall. Nothing happened. She scratched at the thin space between wall and door. Maybe..."Well, as long as we're both Kelbrid, do you want to help me?"

"No."

"Do you want to get out of here?"

"Yes."

"So…do you want to help me get out of here?"

"No."

It had been worth the attempt. She continued prying at it. After some time passed she spoke: "I think I almost have it."

"Great! Let's go!"

"I'll let myself go, but not you."

"Why not?"

"Because you didn't help me."

"Should have expected that. Stand aside." It manipulated the door, straining considerably, before narrowing his eye. "Were you really almost done, or were you just getting me to go?"

"You're beginning to think like a Kelbrid," she conceded grudgingly.

"Beginning? If this is Kelbrid…uh…y, then I've been doing it forever."

"Well, welcome to our existence." She began assisting it with the door.

"Uh…thanks."

"I suppose…you don't have a Kelbrid name, do you?"

"Of course not. Are you that idiotic?"

"Just making sure you were listening to me. You might want one…Matrex sounds good." She pronounced the first syllable as "maught".

"Mat-you mean like the Matrix? That name sucks!"

"All the better reason for you to have it."

"Some things never change…" it muttered as the door fell, making an opening.

"And some do." Rruyshah clambered over it into (relative) freedom. She bent a limb to let it follow, then retracted it. It strained to reach for the exit, but couldn't. "You're as weak in this body as you were in your old one!"

"It's _your_ body."

"And you're a disgrace to it." Rruyshah paced around the area she was now in.

"You can't get out of here, either, can you?" it taunted.

"Not alone."

"So help me up, and I'll help you out."

"No you won't. Not unless…" Rruyshah navigated. "Here. You help me out of here, I give you your…"

"iPod!" it exclaimed. "Okay! But you'll need to help me up."

"Fine." Rruyshah extended two of her limbs, which it seized. "Uncoordinated sub…being…that I just cut a deal with…" As it vaulted into the cargo bay, she shifted her limbs back and forth against the walls, as if trying to rid them of her clone's taint. Collaborating, they were able to open the door after strenuous effort and the reaching of the end of their food supply. "Here you go." Rruyshah begrudged the white object.

"Thanks…er, didn't mean that. So where are your ears?"

"Ears?"

"How do you hear the words I say?"

"…through my nodules."

"Nodules?"

Rruyshah indicated the metallic protrusions that marked the "hinges" of her limbs. Uneasily, it took the white object and placed it on its nodules. The blaring that ensued caused Rruyshah to flee from its presence and access the nearest computer terminal. There was one message displayed in _Galard_.

_If any of my companions encounter this ship, you won't care to know that I am now a part of the sentience known as The One. Be sure to liberate the captive beings here. They are not amiable-particularly the Andalite known as Mie'podd._

"Mie'podd? Is that you?"

"No, I'm the-" There was that word again. She internally vowed to find out what it meant. "Matrex."

"How easily I forget." She tried translating the message from Na. Be sure to keep them captive? Figured. They…_are_ amiable? Particularly…_me_? "Matrex?"

It took a while for it to remember its name. "What?"

"We owe it to Na to rescue him from this One."

"Are you joking? He's our kidnapper. Can you fly this thing?"

"Yeah."

"Then let's go home."

"Home?"

"Yours. Mine, now."

It was a Kelbrid. It was _her_.

Rruyshah input coordinates into the computer.


	19. Rruyshah Draws by Threefold Repetition

_Author's Note: This and the following chapter do not occur consecutively. They are two alternatives of the way things could have gone based on Rruyshah's choice at the end of Chapter 18 (whether to go after Na or to the Kelbrid homeworld). Please do not think that the next chapter comes "after" this one-it doesn't._

As would have been expected if either had been hopeful enough to consider it, Na had plenty of food outside the area where the Kelbrid had been imprisoned. Indefinitely sufficient, they drifted on the trajectory Rruyshah had input.

"I still can't believe you're trying to rescue him."

"That would be because you're mentally incapable."

Matrex did not reply for some time, staring out into space instead, before abruptly speaking. "What do you see in him?"

"I don't see him at all. That's why we're finding him. So I _can_ see him."

"Why would you want to see him?"

"Because then he'd be rescued from this One."

"Why do you want to rescue him?"

"Because I think he-what is this, are you interrogating me?"

"Yes, I'm interrogating you. Wait, you just asked the question, which means…" Rruyshah ignored Matrex as she meddled with the computer. "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to accelerate."

"Trying?"

"Well, I'm already going at a relative speed of about 8c, so it's difficult."

"Good."

"I'd think you'd want to accelerate."

"Why?"

"You seem to dislike this operation, and the sooner we're there the sooner we'll finish."

"And then what? You elope with Na?"

"Elope" was not a word Rruyshah had learned. "Would that please you?"

"If it would get you out of my life…oh yeah, I forgot. I don't _have_ a life."

"You certainly do."

"You Kelbrid are-wait…"

"You're going to have to think of a new tactic for arguing with me."

"You sound like I should continue."

"Go ahead."

"I thought you hated me."

"Oh, I do."

"Do you hate Na, too?"

"Not in the same way."

"But you hate him."

"He abducted me."

"So why are you rescuing him?"

"Have we been through this?"

"Yes."

"Let's rule it a tie."

"What? We're not playing chess."

"Okay…if we were, and we wind up in the same situation it's a draw."

"Same as what?"

"As it was earlier."

"In the game?"

"Yes."

"But why would we be playing chess again?"

"Because I like chess."

"You like chess."

"Indeed."

"And you hate me. And Na."

"Partially."

"How much of a part?"

"Enough to ponder the contents of-am I having a civil conversation with you?"

"Yes."

"Why?" Rruyshah thought she was talking to herself, but Matrex heard.

"Maybe you don't hate me as much as you think you do."

"Well, I certainly couldn't hate you any _more_ than I think I do…yes I could. Never mind."

"Oh, I will. But Na?"

"Him too."

"So _why_ are-"

"That's your new rule. If the same position comes up three times, it's a draw."

"Like this."

Neither of them counted how long it was until the spacecraft came into view like a menacing battle-ax. They had eaten, but not conversed. There it loomed, ignorant of the Skrit Na craft within a good weapon's range.

"So your boyfriend's on that thing? Knows what attracts the ladies."

"If you have my DNA, you're female."

This fact seemed to disturb Matrex more than he'd been disturbed for the entire duration of the trip, but he attempted to suppress it. "So how do we rescue him?"

"We?"

Too late. "I mean, you don't trust me alone with this ship while you go in there, do you?"

"No, I don't. But I don't want you with me, either."

"Good to know you're still you-no, not really."

Rruyshah tapped her limbs against the artificially-gravitized floor in circular order. "I wouldn't mind some allies, though."

Matrex looked out into space. "Like whoever's ramming the Blade ship?"


	20. Matrex Comes Into His Own

_Author's Note: This and the preceding chapter do not occur consecutively. They are two alternatives of the way things could have gone based on Rruyshah's choice at the end of Chapter 18 (whether to go after Na or to the Kelbrid homeworld). Please do not think that the previous chapter comes "before" this one-it doesn't. _

_And special thanks to _Sinister Shadow_. Without your review for "KTW" we wouldn't be here today. This chapter is dedicated "tu yu"._

"Rruyshah?"

"What?"

"Some sort of…thing…is flashing. On this keyboard."

"Things have _been_ flashing for the entire duration of this-oh. Something different?"

"Yes."

Rruyshah, in typical Kelbrid fashion, punched random buttons without consideration to what their function might be. But before she could cause too much damage, she triggered a voice.

"Identify your craft."

Indignantly, she gave a piece of her mind. "My craft? This isn't my craft!"

"You _are_ flying it."

"Since when have we ever had to identify our spaceships?"

"Since the tourism industry became successful."

"The tourism industry? You mean those slackers in the tourism wing actually amounted to something?"

"Our tourism promoters were tragically killed in a suicide bombing by the Exalted, Rruyshah," the voice said matter-of-factly.

"A…what?"

"Suicide bombing."

Rruyshah by that time was incapable of answering, so Matrex did. "How do you know it was suicidal?"

"She wasn't seen after that, and who are you?"

Matrex uttered a word outside of Rruyshah's vocabulary to precede "It's got video", but spoke on his limbs. "I'm…a clone. Of Rruyshah. And there's another one of us here who calls herself Rruyshah."

"So who are you?"

"I'm…Matrex," it conceded grudgingly.

"Matrex? Rather a masculine name."

"I am male!"

"With Rruyshah's DNA?"

The original Rruyshah recovered enough to avert the oncoming dilemma. "My clone is delusional." As, judging by the state of things, was she.

The Kelbrid on the ground was weary of these two. "Listen, do you have a craft registration number?"

"No," said Rruyshah as Matrex said "Yes."

"Just land already."

"Excellent." Rruyshah seized control and managed to land. "Welcome home, Matrex."

He stepped out and looked for the first time at his new planet, inhaling the gaseous sulfur. Had he always known this was where he belonged? "Thanks…Rruyshah."

"INCORRECT REFERENCE!" she screeched.

"Uh…what?"

"You're a Kelbrid now! Precede or follow any references to me with "Exalted One"!"


End file.
